Virtual internet communication results in losing real-life social skills.

[English Guru]

Понятно, пишите еще на другие темы, не торопитесь. Я вижу, что Вы легко можете написать, как минимум, на 12 баллов!

[Мария34]

Здравствуйте! Оцените, пожалуйста.
I would like to write about an impact of the Internet on real life. A lot of people think that there is no danger in using the Internet. But others do not agree with this point of view. Let us consider who is right.
In my opinion, threre are many advantages to using the Internet and it is not a threat for our real-life social skills. First of all, there are many people, who has friends abroad. The Internet communication is the only way to contact with each other. People can keep in touch by email or instant messanger services. Moreover, they can improve their English skill and obtain new knowledge, talking with friends from other countries. Secondly, a lot of people use the Internet for work or for studying. For example, workers communicate via email, online networks and video conferencing. Vdeo messaging is becoming common for business meetings. This conversations are not a waste of real life social skills.
On the other hand, many experts suppose that a lot of people are influenced by the virtual Internet communicaton. The forget sbout real life. Such people prefer chatting online instead of a meeting with friends or relatives. As a result relatives seem to be less close nowadays.
I cannot agree with this opinion completely. Often people control what is going on in their life.
In conclusion, I would like to say it is important to keep in touch with friends and relatives. The Internet is a good possibility for it. But we should balance virtual and real worlds.

[eleda]

Давайте сразу отберем спеллинг, чтобы не отвлекаться на него дальше

Spelling
*threre are many advantages –
*Vdeo messaging
instant *messanger -- не путать messAge и messEnger
*communicaton.
forget *sbout real life.
*The forget

Сами исправите.
INTRO

I would like to write about an impact of the Internet on real life. A lot of people think that there is no danger in using the Internet. But others do not agree with this point of view. Let us consider who is right.

I would like to write about an impact of the Internet on real life ???.

about THE impact of the Internet on real-life communiction/social skills (в теме не о влиянии не на «реальную жизнь», а уже: о влиянии на навыки общения в реальной жизни)
Первое предложение не очень удачное для эссе.
Задача первого предложения – ввести тему не через себя («я хочу, я хотела бы»), а со стороны, в самом общем плане.
Себя во вступлении в эссе лучше не вводить.

Тема наша
возросшее влияние Интернета или более узко и ближе к заданию :
влияние Интернета на social skills
Т.е. первая фраза может выглядеть как-то так:

The Internet
…has had/is having a major effect on
……human/interpersonal relationships/communication OR
Facebooking, tweeting and texting/
…have become/ are becoming …

Второе предложение -- ЧЕТКАЯ постановка проблемы (на основе текста задания):
Одни считают что это позитивно, другие -- что негативно (понятно, что формулировку «позитивно»/ «негативно» можно – и необходимо!!! – выразить своими словами. И на этом вступление можно считать идеальным.
(Если же после написания эссе целиком вы обнаружите, что слов маловато, только тогда можете добавить какую-нибудь ненужную ерунду типа «Let us consider who is right” или еще что.
По формату она не нужна и по смыслу она не нужна. Так что держите ее про запас, на случай, когда в главной части не набрать слов.
Some believe that {it} is destroying/ruining/etc our interpersonal social skills, whereas/while others think that ...напишите развернуто

Para1

there are many people, who *has friends abroad

. – who HAVE fiends
запятая не нужна!

The Internet communication is the only way to contact with each other.

лучше смягчить категоричность:
can/might be the only way OR
is OFTEN the only way
(sometimes people use phones or exchange letters, so the Internet in NOT the only way to keep in touch)

to contact with each other.

to contact sb (no preposition)

Moreover, they can improve their *English *skill and obtain new knowledge, talking with friends from other countries.

Почему moreover, это вполне себе самостоятельный пункт

improve their English skill

-- foreign language speaking skills (it doesn’t have to be English, it can be any foreign language)

This conversations are not a waste of real life social skills.

THESE

Para2

many experts suppose that a lot of people are influenced by the virtual Internet communicaton.

уточните характер влияния:

in a negative/damaging/detrimental/etc way

(т.к. в предыдущем абзаце интернет ведь тоже влиял, но in a positive way)

The forget sbout real life.

Such people prefer chatting online instead of *a meeting with friends or relatives.

no article needed!

As a result relatives

comma needed
как-то жиденько -- и по языку, и по смыслу. Ну что это за аргумент "они забываюь про real life"?
… spend more time socializing/interacting/communication online, via sites such as Facebook and Twitter, than they do in person/face-to-face
…. are more likely to speak to/communicate/contact their friends and family through/via electronic devices than in person/face-to-face.
Приведите какие-нибудь примеры разрушения навыков:

--- хуже воспринимают (recognize/read) мимику, выражение лица, жесты, интонации; трудности с выражением своих эмоций – легче все выразить смайликами, их же легче «прочитать») = emoticons; ) ИЛИ
--- в компании люди часто не столько свободно общаются, сколько сидят как приклеенные attached/glued/etc еto their gadgets/smartphones/ etc:
Too often at events or parties/at social gatherings... ...

Para3

I cannot agree with this opinion completely. Often people control what is going on in their life.

Очень куций абзац.
Желательно усилить свое опровержение, сделать его более развернутым:

The Internet does not force people to avoid direct human interaction/contact. (Или то же самое, но с инверсией
It is not the Internet that forces people to...
It is people (themselves) who make decisions about how to use the Internet, not the other way round.

ИЛИ

even though/although people are more communicating online than they used to, it does not mean that {it} destroys theis social skills. {It} just gives them more choices. ...

(Но, понятно, что такое предложение вы могли бы написать, если в первом абзаце не приводили примеры разрушения навыков)

CONCLU

In conclusion, I would like to say it is important to keep in touch with friends and relatives. The Internet is a good *possibility for it. But we should balance virtual and real worlds.

Вывод в принципе годится, но желательно чуть подтянуть поближе к теме навыков общения. Вы сползаете в сторону необходимости поддерживать отношения.

*possibility -- то, о чем вы пишете, не possibility, а opportunity/chance
-----------
Присылайте обработанный вариант, там уже можно будет искать недочеты более высокого уровня (просто виднее будет)

[AncientDragon]

Some people maintain the idea that virtual communication is a good way to communicate while others reckon that it leads to loss of social skills. Let us consider who is right.

From my point of you, virtual Internet communication has a lot of disadvantages. To begin with, people who prefer typing on a keyboard rather than speaking are likely to become unsociable. Moreover, if a person spends his time in the Internet, he will suffer from loneliness in real life. Furthermore, a person cannot express his emotions as well as he could do it in real life.

On the other hand, some people claim that using the Internet is a good way to communicate. To the mind, chatting online enables us to feel more relaxed and confident.

I cannot agree with these people. If a person is shy to communicate with people, chatting online will not help him to solve this problem.

Taking everything into consideration, there are two different points of view on this problem. I strongly believe that even though virtual Internet communication makes our lives easier in many ways, we should not forget about communication in real life.

[eleda]

разобраться с местоимениями и лицом

if a person spends *his time, … *he will suffer
a person cannot express *his emotions as well as *he could
If a person is shy to communicate with people, chatting online will not help *him
a person cannot express *his emotions as well as *he could
To the mind, chatting online enables *us to feel more relaxed
makes *our lives easier in many ways, *we should not

he -- неполиткорректно и не принято
he or she/his or he – политкорректно, но выглядит по-идиотски
people /they /their etc – грамотно, политкорректно и выглядит нормально
Замените всюду, to be on the safe side.

Для того,чтобы бесконечно не повторять people, используйте
а) синонимы
б) обходные конструкции:
вместо
people who prefer == > those who
I cannot agree with these people == > agree with this point of view/statement/opinion/view/etc

who prefer typing on a keyboard rather than speaking

противопоставляйте не «печатание» и «говорение», а шире:
communicating/socializing/interacting/etc online/via the Internet/etc vs communicating/socializing/interacting/etc вживую (in person/face to face)

To the mind,

не нужно так.
They claim/believe/argue/maintain/think/etc that

if a person spends his time in the Internet

spend (MOST of) THEIR time ON the Internet

he will suffer from loneliness in real life.

== > they CAN/MIGHT или
are likely to/ are bound to
will слишком безапелляционно, нужно избегать неправомерных обобщений

Taking everything into consideration, there are two different points of view on this problem

Ну, и зачем эти костыли: «вывод: есть два мнения» Разве ЭТО вывод? Это то, что можно сказать на любой теме, а вывод индивидуален. Вывод – это подтверждение ВАШЕГО мнения, высказанного в первом после вступления абзаце. А сказать, что результатом всего эссе является (глубокая) мысль о том, что «существуют два мнения» -- это поражение какое-то, это заученный костыль, который любому проверяющему уже в сотый раз навяз в зобике… Вы же сказали об этом во вступлении (одни считают одно, другие – другое). Судя по эссе, ваш уровень позволяет не использовать memorized chunks.

Да, вылетело:
не

maintain the idea that

, а
maintain that
не нужно I reckon -- это разговорное. Используйте ОБЫЧНЫЕ
I believe/claim/think/argue/contend/etc -- это не подведет, а reckon подведет(

[julioyn]

Nowadays Internet is very popular for people of all ages. Social networks are useful in many ways, but without any doubt, they take a lot of free time and it reduces our communication in real life.

In my opinion, virtual Internet communication has a lot of disadvantages. Firstly, people who spend too much time on chatting online become incommunicative and taciturn because they prefer typing on a keyboard rather than speaking. Secondly, it also makes people forget about real life. They spend a huge amount of time on the computer and do not anything else. Finally, the certain information on the Internet represents completely different reality. People get a wrong understanding of various emotions, feelings and situations in the world.

An opposite opinion is that Internet is not such a bad thing. They believe that chatting online enables us to feel more relaxed and confident.

I cannot agree with this opinion. If person is too shy with people, chatting online will not solve this problem because the virtual and real worlds are too different.

To sum up, I would say that even though virtual Internet communication has made our world easier in many ways, we should not forget about our real life and real friends.